OMG, I haven't updated in a lifetime [Friday, June 23rd, 2006 @ 10:00am] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | the fan in the window-whooshwhooshwhoosh ] Okay, so I know it's be like forever since my last update, but I feel that it is necessary to start writing things down again. So many things have happened in the past few months, that I don't even know where to begin. Okay, first, I was accepted to the University of Wisconsin-Madison, whoot whoot. That's beyond awesome, because I really didn't believe that they were going to accept me. Second, I am now living in Madison. I am subletting an apartment with Ceci over summer and in the middle of August, we move into our real apartment. Yes. The one we are in now is nice, it's just really small. I also finally quit Cousins and am now working at the Gap at East Towne Mall. However, since I transferred to this store, I haven't really been working as much as I need to and therefore went out and found another job. THE OTHER JOB: Okay, this job is one that I already fucking hate, and I don't even start it until July 3rd. Basically, I will be canvassing door-to-door, asking people whether or not they have heard about Bush's decision to rollback the forestry protection rule that Clinton had administered. So my job is to inform people about this and to collect donations for this non-profit org. in order to raise enough money to help convince Gov. Doyle to re-issue legislation in order to protect Wisconsin's last remaining 69,000 acres from logging. I already want to shoot myself. But it seems stupid for me not to do this job, because it's a base pay of $275/week, plus you earn 35% of all donations that you receive each day. The average paycheck ends up around $400-500 plus per week, so it would be stupid for me not to do this job, right? Plus it is a full-time job and it only lasts until the school year, so I guess I can stick it out. We'll see. That's if I don't find another job before then. Anywho, other than constantly having no money, life has been great here in the wonderful city of Madison. Just that last, Ceci and I went to see Michael Buble in concert, which was AMAZING. I had so much fun. Plus the set was so fucking sweet and he was a rather hilarious guy to boot. I also have seen Panic! At the Disco, Hellogoodbye, Acceptance, The Academy Is, Sean Paul, From First to Last, The Hush Sound, Hawthorne Heights, The All American Rejects, and Fall Out Boy within the past four months, so it's been pretty amazing. Other than that, I have just been working and doing random things. A final note, I have lost so much weight this year, it RIDONKULUS! I think it's because I started smoking and like, stopped eating every five minutes, but that's just my opinion. That's all for now. deep thoughts

Where does the time go? [Wednesday, November 30th, 2005 @ 6:00pm] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | me typing ] Seriously, where does the time go? It feels like the school year just started and now the semester is almost over. And all I have to say is, "Thank God." I am so sick of doing homework right now, it's unreal. Anyways, I had a good Thanksgiving Break. I got to see my cousin that I haven't seen in a while. I saw Rent twice. And to top that all off, I went to the Aiden-Bayside-Silverstein-Hawthorne Heights concert with hottie Heather Belanger on Saturday night, and my God, that was by far the best show I have ever been to. It was amazing. And to make it even better, Hawthorne Heights sang three songs off of their new album coming out in March. They are also coming back in April with Fall Out Boy, so I'm definitely going to that show too. Fun, fun. Everyone, go see RENT, and buy the soundtrack. It's amazing. I liked it better than Phantom, and I love Phantom. Oh, how I have no money to buy Christmas presents. Oops, maybe I should stop randomly buying things for myself. Good news. I am hoping to transfer to UW-Madison next fall so that I can get out of Milwaukee. I am so sick of this city. There is nothing for under 21 people to do around here. All of the underage nights at the local clubs have been shut down. What the hell is that? Anyways, if I do get accepted to transfer to UW-Madison, I am for sure living in an apartment. Finally. Which means that I have to start saving money right after the holidays. I really don't have much to accessorize the place, so that's where the money is needed. For furniture and stuff. Also, I would be living with my best friend in the whole world, Ceci! That would be so awesome. Plus, we will have a car, which means I don't have to walk everywhere. I really hope I get accepted. To move out of Milwaukee to a town in which I know only two people, would be great. It would mean that I could meet new people, make new friends. Cause God only knows how much I need to break away from the same five people that I have known my whole life. Well, not so much break away, but expand the friend list some more. Finally, I think that I am definitely doing better in school this semester, so maybe staying at home wasn't such a bad idea afterall. Plus the whole "I get to live for free" thing is awesome. I hate the Christmas month. I love the holiday, but not the whole month before it. It only makes me senile. I am sitting in my JMC 201 lab, as usual. I am bored out of my mind because I am not doing my lab work. Instead I am writing in my journal. It seemed like the more interesting thing to do. Oh, and today is one of those days. You know, the "lock yourself in your room and do lots of homework and other things" days? Yep, that's me today. Boo. I hate these days, mainly because I still procrastinate even though I purposely set aside this day to focus on homework. Why do I always do that. Plus I have laundry to do, which means ironing will follow. Fuck me. And that's the other thing. I am starting to grow tired of being single. Or maybe I'm just sexually frustrated. Whichever it is, it sucks. I need to have that "other" person right now. I am interested in someone, but I don't know if she is interested in me back. And I think I'm kinda bi. Well, not think. Know. But it's one of those things other people saw in you that you didn't see in yourself until you have this epiphany. And I have had one. Don't get me wrong, I definitely like girls over guys. But I wouldn't turn a guy down, unless he was hideously ugly. I don't know, I guess I find the male form intriguing. A boundary that hasn't been crossed. And all my dark little secrets everyone is dying to find out. Does anybody really know me? And yes, Ceci, this applies to you. Even you don't know some things about me...sorry. We'll talk. And Zso, don't worry. I didn't turn bi because of you. I just realized that I was. And I would appreciate it if you didn't go blabbing said information to all of your friends, such as NG for instance. And this has been my life lately in a nutshell. Kind of a lengthy journal, but I needed to vent a little. Ah, well, goodbye for now. Deric 5 **deep thoughts

The craziness of my life..... [Wednesday, November 16th, 2005 @ 10:33am] [ mood | listless ] So, my life is insanely crazy. WTF? I mean, seriously. So today, I woke up at 5 a.m. to go work out at the Y. I've been doing that a lot lately. Who does that? Let me tell you.....old people. Then I went to Cousin's at 7:30 a.m. and was there until around 10;20 a.m. Now I am in my JMC 201 lab, and instead of doing lab work, I am wasting time writing this journal because I can't focus on anything right now. So here I sit, realizing how insanely busy I have made my life. I work at 4:50 p.m., by the way. Not that any of you care. And I keep making dumbass mistakes on my JMC 201 assignments, like misspelling a name, which is 15 points off of your score. Boo. I have to go now. I'll write later. Deric 1 **deep thoughts

HA [Tuesday, November 15th, 2005 @ 9:32pm] Oh, by the way. I forgot. HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS is in 12 days! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! And wait for it.......Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire comes out this weekend!!!! Hoorah. Who's gonna be there on Friday night? Lemme tell you. ME!!!!!!! Alright. Peace. 3 **deep thoughts

Holy Balls [Tuesday, November 15th, 2005 @ 9:28pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | the buzzing of my t.v. ] Okay, So as you all know, I took my Anthropology test today at 11. Yep, that's the one I pretty much thought I failed. So, somehow all the grades have been done already and my lab professor posted them on D2L. Then she sent everyone an email. I got a fucking 80%!!!! With like ten minutes of actual studying. Fucking A!!! Maybe I can get a B in that class after all. This is so sweet. So, I am extremely happier now. I can't believe I did that well, I mean, HOLY SHIT. Work was weird. It was supposed to be busy, and SURPRISE, it wasn't. Love you all, you fucking douchebags. Deric 1 **deep thoughts

I'm sitting here alone up in.........the computer lab full of people [Tuesday, November 15th, 2005 @ 12:35pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | The clicking of people typing in the computer lab at school ] Today is Tuesday. I hate Tuesdays. Whomever did my schedule this semester and made Tuesday my long day, was a retard....that would be me. Anyways, I have lots to say right now. So after I got home from Madison on Sunday, I had a date with this girl from work. I picked her up from the dorms and we went to The Branded Steer on 13th and College. Dinner was good and her and I talked for what seemed like hours. We talked about random stuff, like ex-es, who we are, where we grew up; you know, normal stuff. After dinner, I took her to my favorite place in all of Milwaukee. It's this little marina down by the lake and it has this huge pier. It looks so amazing at night, because you can see down Lake Michigan's coastline, which is lit up from all the buildings in downtown Milwaukee. I took her home after that. It was a fun night. Monday was pretty blah. I went to class, worked, and studied all night for my tests I had today. Today. Today has not really been that fun. I got up this morning and went to the Y to go work out. After that, I filled my car with gas and then came to school. I had my first test at 8 am which I think went okay. I skipped my Geology class so that I could study some more for my Anthropology test, but I couldn't seem to focus. I was seriously the longest two hours of my life. Then, I went at 11 to take that test and was out of there in like 15 minutes. Yeah, pretty sure I bombed that one. But here's what's bothering me. I called the "date girl" afterwards to see if she wanted to do lunch. But the phone call turned out to be one of those "awkward silence" calls. It was so weird. I like this girl and I think she likes me back, but wtf? I don't know what's going on. Maybe she was just in a weird mood, or maybe this just isn't going to go anywhere. I have no idea at this point, and it's kinda depressing. Like, I think I got my hopes up that this was going to go somewhere, that I wasn't gonna to be the dateless freak anymore. I don't know. I have no idea what's going on. So all I can do is wait it out. Which sucks. I hate waiting for things to happen. I just want to happen now. Plus, I'm really tired today for some reason. I have no idea why. I don't know. I have to read my lab before two, which I have until four. And then I have to be at work by ten to five. And then I work til God knows when. Who cares anymore. I'm just gonna burn out and die. Oh well, there's plenty of people waiting to say, "I told you so," so at least I will make some people happy. Til later. I plan on being depressed til then. Deric 1 **deep thoughts

The End of the Weekend [Sunday, November 13th, 2005 @ 5:59pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | My Prerogative-Britney Spears ] Alas, the end of the weekend always seems to creep up faster than the end of the week. Why is that? This weekend, I went to Mad-Town and had Mad-Fun. Madison was so much crazy fun. The game, although the Badgers lost, was one of the coolest things I have ever been too in my entire life. Except for the fact that it was cold and raining and we were all soaking wet. But still, good times. I got to see my friends, meet Rizza's boyfriend, and chill with my best friend in the whole world. Madison campus is pretty sweet, and I am thinking of transferring there for junior year of college. We'll see what my advisor says. Today, I drove home all by myself. I couldn't find Washington Ave. in Madison, so I somehow ended up in Middleton, and then somehow, found the interstate. And now I'm home. This weekend was so much fun, but why did it have to end so fast? Well, at least I have one more thing to do....I have a date tonight! What, what's this? Yes, as much as I LOVE being single, I do miss that "other person" who's there for you, who you can have smoochies with. And I want SMOOCHIES! Well, I suppose I will update when I get home. Peace. deep thoughts

Changes [Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005 @ 10:31am] [ music | The buzzing of the computers in my JMC 201 lab ] Okay, So this is the first time I have updated in FOREVER. Many, many things have happened since Zsofia and I split up in the beginning of September. I now work at Water Street Brewery and am making fuckloads of money. Yeah me, finally. My parents got me a car at the end of August, so I am mobile all of the time now. Again, yeah me. However, my car did get broken into last Tuesday night in which my stereo was stolen. Fuck me, cause the damage and replacing the stereo cost about $350. I have an interview today to become a shift leader at Cousin's. What is this? A promotion? That's a first. First semester is hurdling by.....it's more than halfway done. I've lost some weight. November is the month of fun. I am going up to Madison to see the Badger-Iowa game in next weekend and I am also seeing Hawthorne Heights in concert on November 26th. Woo Woo. I have a crush on someone I work with. Maybe more. I'll let you all know if something goes down. I hope for the sake of my sanity that I can get some TLC! My God, I haven't had sex in over two months. God, I miss it! Hmm......I can't seem to think of anything else, so I'm just gonna ramble on about nothing....or not. Oh, I did a system recovery on my computer yesterday, so it's clear as can be. There's nothing on it anymore except for the programs I downloaded or installed into it last night. But, the good thing is that my computer is back in superfast working condition. Tonight will primarily be spent on installing Nero, buring the five movies I rented from Blockbuster, and copying all of my cd's to my computer. God, I need me a life. Don't have plans on Saturday night? Me either, so call me up. We'll see what we can do. All right, I think that's all I have for you kind people. I'll update later, I'm sure. Cause I need to get back into the whole Livejournal swing. I miss telling the world about my life. Like it really cares. Til later, Deric 1 **deep thoughts

Without You Here........ [Tuesday, September 6th, 2005 @ 9:40pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hayes ] "I drink good coffee every morning. Comes from a place that's far away. When I'm done, I feel like talking. Without you here, there is less to say." Okay, so it's been a long while since my last update. Too long. So much has happened in my life these few short months. So much, in fact, that I am like a whole new person. I officially quit Houlihan's a few months ago. I started working at Cousin's again......boo. But I least I work at Kim's store on Marquette campus. I also am working at Water Street Brewery now as well. But that's not why I've changed. I've changed because I've matured more than I ever thought I could. For those of you who know me, I am a very mature individual for my age. I am sick of putting up with people's bullshit. So much so, that if someone ever tries to exercise power over me again without any clout behind their actions, so help them. No one is walking over me anymore. I'm not a doormat. Also, I came to a realization about some of my relationships. Cecilia and I, no matter how good of friends we are, or how long we've known each other, have grown apart. Not tremendously, but there is definite space. And there's blame on both sides. It's like we're best friends who don't really know each other as well as they used to anymore. "Don't want you thinking I'm unhappy. What is closer to the truth? If I lived til I was a hundred and two, I just don't think I'll ever get over you." I am not as close to my other friends and family as I used to be. I've put a space in between all of those relationships. I have become independent and have realized that I don't need have to depend on any of them in order to go on with my life. I don't need their guidance anymore. "No longer moved to drink strong whiskey. I shook the hand of time and I knew. That if I lived til I could no longer climb my stairs, I just don't think I'll ever get over you." And finally, my relationship with Zsofia. Last week, we barely saw each other. I had a lot of alone time to think about everything in my life, which is good. My life is really, really good right now. I have everything that I ever wanted at this point in my life. But that's when I realized that I didn't have the one person I wanted the most. And it wasn't her fault. It was how I felt about her. I realized that although I love Zsofia, whole heart and soul, I am not in love with her. "Your face, it dances, and it haunts me. Laughter is still ringing in my ears. I still find pieces of your presence here. Even, even after all these years. I don't want you thinking that I don't get asked to dinner. Cause all I have to say is that I sometimes do. And even though I may soon feel the touch of love, I just don't think I'll ever get over you." So I did what I know is the right thing to do, I broke it off. I gave her the best year of my life, the best of me. And I know she did the same. And I just want her to know that I will never forget the year that I dated Zsofia Nora Urmenyi. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but as they say, there's always that one thing in your life that's not right. And I'm so sorry it had to be this. I can only hope that one day I will find someone as fun and loving as she is and that I will be in love. Obsessed. Infatuated. In all that she is, the one for me. The one. So thank you Zsofia, for giving me everything. For teaching me so much about myself. For always being there when I needed you. I will never forget, never. But now it's over, and I have to let go. I love you. "If I lived til I was a hundred and two, I just don't think I'll ever get over you." 2 **deep thoughts

Unexpectedly Relaxed [Sunday, July 24th, 2005 @ 6:18pm] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | Angel-Lonely Hearts episode ] It's been a while since my last update, so I thought I would. Nothing too exciting has been happening in my life in the past few weeks. I quit Houlihan's, went back to Cousin's (16th and Wisconsin). I want school to start really, really soon. I'm so bored with the daily rountine of work and nothing. That is, besides hanging out with Zsofia. I'm excited to be working out again. That is, I started a new diet and am serious about losing my weight and gaining actual muscle. Yay! So today, I deleted all of my music files on my computer and am ripping all of my music onto it. There werew just too many unknown files and too many files that didn't play well. So, I am sitting here on my computer, uploading music. This will only take like forever. Also, made a few icons and a banner on photoshop. They're nothing really too special, but I think they're pretty good for my first couple of ones. I've entered two into contests, but I know for sure that I probably won't win. Alright, gonna continue copying some music to my computer! Deric 1 **deep thoughts

UPDATE! [Sunday, July 10th, 2005 @ 10:27pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | T.V. ] So nothing has really been happening in my life lately. It's the boredom of summer. I started back working at Cousin's today. I hope to get this new job I applied for at Carrabba's this week. Liz leaves for Seattle on Saturday. :( Boo, life is boring. On a lighter note, DJ's house "party" was fun. Good to see everyone again. New lyrics: ENJOY! "Things fall apart, they fall apart so hard / You can't ever put them back the way they were / Sorry, it's just, it takes time / There's so much to work through / Trust has to be built again on both sides / You have to learn if were even the same people we were / If you can fit in each other's lives / It's a long process / Can't we just skip it? / Can you just be kissing me now?" That's what I got right now, but I plan on revising this draft and obviously making it into a full song, with guitar and everything. I'll probably end up recording it on my computer and then posting it on a website for all of you to download. Love all of you. deep thoughts

My "Trampled" Heart [Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005 @ 8:47pm] [ mood | satisfied ] [ music | Underneath This Smile-Hilary Duff ] What does the word "trample" really mean? The literal defintion is to beat down with the feet so as to crush, bruise, or destroy; tramp on. But of course, like every other word in the English language, there are many more meanings. Specifically, to treat harshly or ruthlessly. Zsofia is upset with me. Shocker. And of course, when I ask her what's wrong, I get the, "Nothing." Then I give her a look and again she states, "What? It's nothing." What is it about the female population that they have to conceal all their thoughts, even though some of us guys know that something is bothering them? So I finally get it out of her after dinner, and apparently I let my friends trample all over me. Please, explain. I tried telling her why I am always calling my friends (most of the time, all of them call from time to time as well) and why they do not call me. "Why are you always calling them?" she asked. And I tried explaining, but she wasn't having it. So, I say, "I always call you too." But of course, that's different. But it is rarely a time when she actually calls me? So, I ask myself, "If always calling people instead of them calling me, is them trampling all over me, is she trampling over me as well?" Well, no. Because no one is trampling over me. I don't get why this is such a problem for her. And then I realize today, as I was driving home after dinner, that we have gotten to that stage. The stage where I feel what she feels, I think what she is thinking, I say what she's going to say. And then it hit me, I can't live without her. And all of the silly drama with her and I right now just faded away. Because she's more important to me than anything. And thus, I have said belief. She has come into my life, unexpectedly, and has managed to win me over, completely, trampling over me. Not harshly or ruthlessly, however. She's trampled over my barrier and has entered into all that is me. She has trampled my heart. My being. She knows me in ways that I don't. "Underneath this smile my world is slowly caving in. All the while, I'm hanging on instead of letting go. Could you be the one who saves me from every bad habit that has helped me dig this hole? I've been hiding down for miles underneath this smile." What is this feeling that I feel all the time? Is it a love deeper than I have ever known? Whatever it is, I hope it never goes away, because feeling this way is a natural high... 2 **deep thoughts

Girlfight [Sunday, June 19th, 2005 @ 10:49pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | Girlfight-Brooke Valentine ] Drama, again. What else is new? Anyways, major issues between Zsofia and Cecilia. I'm not going into details. All I have to say is that I refuse to be put in the middle of this and that that two of them to to figure this out on their own. If they don't wanna be friends, fine, not an issue. But I'm not gonna be forced to take a side here. I love Zsofia, she's my best friend in the whole world, but Cecilia is my BEST FRIEND, meaning that she's always been there for me, no matter what. But I'm not going to just drop and ten year friendship with her or give up my girlfriend because they have an issue. If I can't have both, I don't want either. So, either the two of them have to drop their beef, or just avoid each other and understand that I have to see both of them at different times then. But if I'm forced to take a side here, I'll leave both of them behind. I'm not letting this silly girlfight about who gets my attention the most or whatever, get in the way of my future. If my two companions in life can't settle their petty differences, goodbye. (Take note that this is stated off of anger and frustration......it's a rant) Whatever, duke it out, make up, I don't care, but just do it soon. I have enough drama in my life as it is; I don't need you two making it worse right now. "It's about to be a what? Girlfight!" Have a fucked up evening, Deric 1 **deep thoughts

Knowing That You Are Out There Breathing [Thursday, June 16th, 2005 @ 8:17pm] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | Lose It All-Backstreet Boys ] Thinking about a lot lately, mainly what's been going on in my life. And I've realized that I have an amazing and incredibly interesting, yet chaotic life. But what gets me the most is that I have some of the most unlikely group of people in my life that care about me. I have the best girlfriend in the world, my family which ceases to surprise me, and my friends, some old and some new. And I've also realized that I have taken all of them for granted. I've seen the dark place in my life, and honestly, I thought that I was gonna be stuck there by myself for the rest of my life, by myself. But people surprise you. Just when you think there's no hope left, they just fill your world with light. It's amazing. And to many of the people in my life, "I've tried to go on like I never knew you, I'm awake, but my world is half asleep, I pray, for this heart to be unbroken, but without you, all I'm going to be is, incomplete." And that's the truth. I've come to love those who have gotten to know me and not put false labels on me. I'm glad to find that there are people in this world that still care. The events in the past weeks are irrelevant to how I've been looking at my life. It's like I've had an epiphany or something, but all I can do a lot lately, is smile. "And if I lose it all, there'll be nothing left to lose, and I would take the fall, cause knowing you are out there breathing, it's so wonderful, it's a chance I take, even if I break, and I lose it all, if I lose it all, wouldn't matter anyway." Which is how I feel lately. If I lost it all, it wouldn't matter to me, just because I know that all you are out there for me. And again, I have taken up the pen and paper, producing, what I think, is some of my better work. Not perfect by any means, but lyrics are not supposed to be. "You just sit there, staring at me / Without knowing what it is that you see / I'm afraid that you'll figure it out / I've got a secret to tell, but won't let it go / Silence is the only word that I know / But this lie is ripping out my soul / Despair and desparation are finally setting in / This dishonesty has taken its toll, I can't win / All I have to do now is speak out / I wish that I was your only one / But you don't love me, so we're done / The only thing left to lose are memories / Of what we had, of what we were / If it was real, I'll never be sure / All I have to say is goodbye." Thanks for always being there. "Now I'm climbing the walls, because I miss you now." 3 **deep thoughts

I Hate To Say It..... [Thursday, June 2nd, 2005 @ 11:39pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | The crunching of the chips I'm eating ] What am I taking about. I'm gonna love saying this. To all of you out there that thought Houlihan's was a bust, I laugh in your face. I knew it was gonna pick up, but even I didn't think it would be this soon. We were busy enough tonight that no one was being sent home til around 8 or 9 p.m. And, on top of that, I made $76 dollars tonight, after my tip out. Now this is what I am talking about. But just in case, everyone and their families or their friends should come request me as a server! Think about it. I knew that this was gonna happen soon! My life is starting to lift up again......finally. I'm so excited (not an act) about this job! Have a great night and a pleasant Friday everyone! Deric 3 **deep thoughts

Undeserving [Thursday, June 2nd, 2005 @ 10:16am] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Slow Dance-The Red Letter Diaries ] Why does everyone put me down? Why do I get to hear everyone's shit and their opinions on how I live my life, or how much money I spend, or where I work, or how I transport myself from place to place? Why am I under such constant pressure from everyone. It's like I can't breathe. My life is being suffocated and I can't find the air. I swear to God as my witness, that I will seriously hurt the next person who fucking says one thing about my job. I just want to scream. Whose job is it? Hmmm? Mine, so back the fuck off. I don't care if I am not making money right now, cause you know what? I LOVE my new job. It's something new and exciting and yes, we are extremely dead right now, but we JUST opened. So it'll pick up soon. Next, I just want everyone to drop the topic of me having to pay for my school. I've been hearing a lot of "How can your parents NOT pay for your college tuition?" (It's not just you Zsofia). But it's like I've said, it's how you were raised. Both my parents were raised this way. Once you're eighteen, you're responsibilities as a parent shift. You don't HAVE to pay for your child to go to school, especially since they spent $25,000 on private high school for you. And they help you out if you need it, just as my parents did when I needed money and had no one else to turn to. But I have no right asking them to pay for my college tuition, not after all they've done for me. Going to college is my choice, not theirs, and therefore I should be responsible for the tuition and living expenses, if I so choose to live in the dorms, which I did. And you know what? They didn't get or take handouts from anyone when they were my age, why should I? It may be hard right now, really, really hard, but at least I know that if something happened to them today, that I would be able to move on and stand on my own two feet. I don't have to depend on my parents anymore, it's just a matter of learning how to manage my money better. So for all of you out there that have parents to pay for your college education, or have an ethnic background of a minority to help pay for your education, you're very lucky and should be very appreciative of your parents, cause they can take that away from you in a moment's notice. As for my parents, they're the best, and I will never disrespect them again like I did last night, not for anyone. So yes, I do feel undeserving of anyone's trust and companionship right now, but I have never felt more clear in my life. I know what my priorities are, and if ANYTHING comes between me and reaching those goals, I will get through them, even if I have to lose people along the way. My future is too important to sacrifice my relationship with my family. I might have the friends and Zsofia right now; I might have their love for now, but it's slipping away. I can feel it. I'm holding onto the one relationship that I can't let go (that's you, Zsofia), but I'm losing all the others. Cecilia is slowly fading away into a memory, and I don't want that. I can't deal with that. And all the other friends I've left behind at Cousin's, I swore I would never forget, and yet I feel that they are a chapter in my life that has closed and that I will never see or talk to them again. But as time moves on, I grow to be a better person. I'm a puzzle and as I grow, another piece is put together. And that's what I feel happened last night. I fought with my mom, and dreamt about it last night. And I awoke with a clear head and another piece of the person that I am becoming was put into place. But I can't do it alone. Not anymore. I may be able to pay for school by myself, and I may be able to get myself from place to place, but who do I have to love me? Who will be there when I fall? My parents? Zsofia? My friends? I don't know if they all understand what I'm going through. I don't even think I understand what I'm going through, what I'm feeling. But I know that it isn't happiness right now. I thought that moving home would make things better, but it's getting worse. I don't feel that I am wanted here. I am always reminded constantly of money, but no one wants to help me with it. I'm just told what to do. How does that help? I am clearly a burden to my family right now. They say that they're glad I'm home, but I know that I am not welcomed right now. I'm just causing stress, I can feel it. But I'm not going to move in with my friends or with Zsofia, cause then I'm burdening their family with me. So, again I feel undeserving of a family who appreciates their child. Also, why do I get the pressure of being the only grandchild left that can graduate from college? Why? Because my two cousin's are losers who aren't going anywhere with their lives, that's why. But do my grandparents do anything to help me? No, they help my cousin's whom they have no respect for because they are going nowhere. They gave my oldest cousin a CAR, for free, and he already broke it somehow. And he doesn't have the money to fix it; he doesn't even have money to pay for his rent! And my other cousin is living with his dad until who knows when. And then there is my aunt, who is marrying for a second time. And the sad thing is that this guy reminds me of her first husband so much. They are both losers, and she's just blind for not seeing that. She was like the only person in my family that I could relate to outside of my household. And now that's gone too. And here I am, putting on this act. The one where I'm so happy and excited about life. But really, life sucks. And it just keeps getting worse. No one understands my pain; it's unlike anything I've ever experienced in my life. And I am sick of getting talked down to like I am a child! I am so much more mature than some of the adults that I know. I've experienced more in life than many middle-aged people have. So don't talk down to me, cause I swear that I will put you in you're place so fast, you wouldn't know what happened. So, where does that leave me? Still walking that lonely path, the one that I have ever known and ever will know. It's always there, welcoming me back to its darkness. "I'm nervous all the time, I can't do anything right....." So don't talk to me about your problems, cause I already have more than I can handle. 5 **deep thoughts

It's Not The Way That I Want It [Friday, May 27th, 2005 @ 2:42pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | One Word-Kelly Osbourne ] My life, in a nutshell, is strange. It's hard to keep up with everything that happens in one's life, but we all seem to do it somehow. And oddly enough, we can all describe our lives in One Word. Relating to my life, that word is Chaotic. And as most of you know, this is very true. Houlihan's. Probably one of THE best things that has happened to me in such a long time. And all I'm getting from everyone is grief about how I'm not making money there as a server and how I keep getting sent home early. But what I don't think many people realize is that 1) it just OPENED on Monday, 2) the building is still being built, and 3) the manangers overscheduled the first week to get all of us used to serving to the public, since many of us do not have previous serving experience. So everyone should just back off and let me be for a couple of weeks. If business does not start to pick up, then I will have to get a new job. So let me be. Friends. Where do they all go? I haven't spoken to Josh or Cecilia in a while. It's sad, but I deal. Yet, in the midst of it all, I am meeting so many new and intriguing people at Houlihan's that I would never have met had I not have gotten this job. But I do miss my old friends. Where have the times led us? Zsofia. I can't believe that today, I have been living back at my house now for two weeks. I don't see Zsofia as much as I used to, but it's actually quite a blessing. Not seeing her as much is making me realize what I have and is causing me to appreciate her more and more everyday. Not seeing her as frequently is also pulling us closer together. So, although I do miss seeing her everyday, I feel that this situation is better and that we will continue to grow in our relationship for a long time. Finally, I cleaned like a bitch today, but mainly my bedroom. I went through a lot of old things, and found some of my old notebooks. I will now disclose some of my lyrics that I have written in these notebooks. These are really personal, but I hope all of you like them. Or don't. It doesn't matter. But I would really appreciate feedback if you will. Untitled I: Woke up this morning/You weren't by my side/I found your letter/Said to say goodbye/You're leaving my for good/Without a reason why/I tried so hard/To be the one for you/It makes me question/If what we had was true/You played me well/I didn't have a clue/I'm so over you/I'm moving on/I'm so glad we're threw/I'll be saying so long Untitled II: You were the one I loved/I gave you all my trust/But you went and fucked somebody else/Now I think of you in disgust/Now the pain crashes down on me/Trying to erase you from my mind/Being with you is just a bad memory/I'm leaving you behind Untitled III: You were everything I wanted/Perfect for each other/Love you since we first met/Didn't know you belonged to another/You neglected to fill me in/I feel so madly in love with you Untitled IV: Seventeen years old/Moving out of the house/Gonna be on my own/Now I'm my own boss/Can't tell me what to do/Can't tell me what to say/You're gonna act a fool/Who's gonna be your slave/I've served my time/Getting out of prison/Leaving you behind/I'm on my own mission It's not the way that I want it, it's just the way that I need it, day after day... 3 **deep thoughts

Just Be On Your Feet [Tuesday, May 24th, 2005 @ 9:23pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | Weight of the World-Sense Field ] Here are some lyrics...... I don't really know where I'm going to go with them yet, but tell me what you think! I like to wake up next to you I like to fall asleep next to you But I love you most when you smile I take you for granted But appreciate every second I'm with you I wanna be your everything I just want to be...... One With you Forever 1 **deep thoughts

I Can't Make It On My Own.... [Tuesday, May 24th, 2005 @ 8:20pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Speak-Lindsay Lohan ] The past few days have been a whirlwind. I don't know what's going on anymore. Houlihan's is now open for business.....so come visit me and leave me money! I really miss my close friends, but I am always so busy, so it's hard to find time to see them right now. Plus the random fact of being broke. But no one ever thinks about that. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh, it's your money. Tell your mom to back off." But it's not about that. It's about the fact that I shouldn't be spending my money, because I'm broke. And to top that all off, I am in debt. I just started this new job, which granted, I love, but it isn't paying well right now. So I'll either have to wait it out, or work two jobs, which I really DO NOT want to do. In the meantime, I find myself wishing that I had school to go to, or something to keep myself preoccupied. Just having a job is not good enough to keep me busy. If I am not at work, I am sitting at home, staring at the wall, cause I have nothing better to do. Oh well, guess I'll start working out. It's about time I do that anyways. I really do want to lose some weight this summer. I need to lose weight this summer. My parents randomly told me they might buy me a car, but I need to start saving money they said. So there's another incentive to save. Plus, I don't want to live in their house for the rest of my life, so I really do need to start saving money. On a lighter note, Zso and I are doing great! Better than ever, even with not seeing each other as much. I think that the separation is actually bringing us closer together, because I appreciate spending time with her more. I took it for granted when she was there all the time, and now that she's not, I am glad I belong to her more. I am also feeling very lyrical, so I am sure some lyrics will be posted in my journal soon. Which is either good or bad for all of you. Speak, speak straight speak your heart out, go... Everybody's got a point of view And the right to their own opinion So don't be scared of what I'm gonna do When you let me know your intuition So one makes you think That I wont get it? So what makes you think that I wont get your love tonight? Speak come on and let it out give it to me You know that I can take it Speak because the more you say the more I'm at ease Come on don't keep me waiting I don't wanna guess, not a test, Tell me what your thinking Keep it real, no big deal Tell me what your dreaming Speak, let it out... Breathe Speak uh straight from your heart It cant be wrong it can only be right Just show me what you are feeling You'll be surprised at how easy it is To open up, its so healing So what makes you think That I wont get it? So what makes you think That I wont get your love tonight? Speak come on and let it out give it to me You know that I can take it Speak because the more you say the more I'm at ease Come on don't keep me waiting I don't wanna guess, not a test, Tell me what your thinking Keep it real, no big deal Tell me what your dreaming Speak let it out... Breathe Speak uh straight from your heart (You gotta let it out) Speak (You gotta let it out) uh from your heart (You gotta let it out...) Speak come on and let it out give it to me(Come on and let it out) You know that I can take it(Come on and let it out) Speak because the more you say the more I'm at ease (Come on and let it out) Come on don't keep me waiting(Come on and let it out) I don't wanna guess, not a test Tell me what your thinking(Don't keep me waiting) Keep it real, no big deal Tell me what your dreaming Speak let it out... Breathe Speak come on and let it out give it to me(Give it to me) You know that I can take it(Give it to me) Speak(Speak)because the more you say the more I'm at ease Come on don't keep me waiting I don't wanna guess, not a test Tell me what your thinking(Tell me what you're thinking) Keep it real, no big deal Tell me what your dreaming(Tell me what you're dreaming) Speak let it out... Speak I love this song......and it fits my mood right now, especially to my mother. She just bitches at me about money and I don't really say anything back. So this song is a good theme for me right now! 1 **deep thoughts

One of the Best Days of My Life [Friday, May 20th, 2005 @ 11:54pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Everybody's Changing-Keane ] This was by far one of the best days of my life... Today started off with me waking up at 7:30 a.m. I got out of bed at eight, took a shower, and then left my house to go to Zsofia's house. I haven't seen her since Tuesday, so I really miss her, especially since I'm used to seeing her everyday for like fifteen hours. Anyways, when I got into my car, I thought it would be really cool if I randomly surprised her with flowers, for no reason at all. So I stopped at Jewel and picked up a bunch of tulips, which are her favorite flower. When I got to her house and she saw the flowers, she was so excited. It made me so happy to see that she appreciated them. I miss her so much. We just sat and listened to music and watched t.v., just cuddling with each other. And then.......well, you know. But I love her so much, and I wanted to show her just how much. We both left her house around noonish. I went to my friend's, Lizzie, house and we went out to lunch at Alterra on the lakefront. It was so nice to catch up with her and we ate outside and enjoyed each other's company. I also went to visit my old co-workers and picked up my last check. After that I deposited my check and then went to my old old Cousin's store and caught up with a lot of my old friends. It was so good to see everyone today. I then went to work at four and had the best time of my life, ever, at my job. Serving is so much fun and you meet so many people, especially when you go from working at a place with like 15 people, to a restaurant that staffs 130 people. I know almost all the server's names and have established some relationship with every one of them. I love my new job so much and can only hope that business will be booming. For those of you who can, come visit me at Houlihan's this coming week. I work on Monday (4-10), Tuesday (10:30am-4), Thursday (10:30-4), Friday (4-10), and Sunday (10:30-4). Anyways, I got out of the restaurant round 11:10, and I hadn't eaten since lunch, so I stopped at T-Bell and picked up some tacos, which I now just finished. So yeah, I had a full day, but it was one of the best of my life. Love you all, Deric 2 **deep thoughts

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